The "Harkonnens vs Vjun Cluster" War

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With Altruists getting thoroughly bored, he finally managed to pick a fight with Starstrike. Having stalled for time, Starstrike managed to turn the galaxy on its head, as, overnight, his Net Worth more than quadrupled. With war approaching, the Harkonnens were caught with their hair off, though they still managed to put up a good fight ...

Starstrike, Aug 3rd -War Declaration: Universal Mob's court :::

Emboldened by a recent spurt of mass production, in week 3 of 3015 a Starstruck wizard appeared in Universal Mob's private mansion. "BOO!"

  • Godfather Galactic of Universal Mob lazily opens one eye, pulls out a gun, and shoots the Starstruck wizard*

"Hmm... that worked better last time" the wizard commented, easily brushing the bullet aside. "I am here for one purpose only. To declare the disgust with which millions across the galaxy view the Harkonnen empire. It will be eradicated immediately!"

  • Godfather Galactic sits up, takes careful aim, and shoots directly through a puff of smoke*

Land of the Dorkos, Aug 3 -War Declaration: Altruists' court :::

In the midst of the confusion of the preparations of battle a kindly, bearded old man carrying a small contraption, and wearing a long white coat shows up in front of Altruists massive throne.

"I am the representative from the Land of Dorkos. I am here to bide you good day, and remind you of our coming war in 36 hours. And since you have proclaimed your aggressive intentions on our poor lowly family, I have been sent to give you an appropriate punishment."

  • He takes out the new, untested balding-ray-gun*

"Now you are banished to the land of the bald for the rest of your days." *Fires the balding-ray-gun at Altruists, it hits him, and rids him of all body hair*

"Oops, good thing I tested it…I like my beard"

Starstrike, Aug 3rd -The Fineprint :::

Vjun Cluster hereby gives 36 weeks notice of the impending doom of the Harkonnens. War will begin in week 39 of 3015. Front row seats will sell from $1,000,000 per head, seats further back will be slightly cheaper.

Rules proposed are those for the Dance of Blades war - that is, fleets leave in week 36, no earlier. This of course does not effect the beginning date of the Altruists vs Starstrike war, which is currently scheduled to begin in Week 17 of 3015. However, petitions from Altruists for a recess until week 38 (to ensure his longevity) will be considered.

Due to the highly unbalanced nature of this war, Vjun Cluster agrees to allow the Harkonnens to bring in allies if they so wish. Of course, Vjun Cluster itself will not, and its allies will not to be considered targets - under threat of annihalation!

Altruists, Aug 4th -Mutterings of a bald man :::


  • in an old habit Altruist rubs his beard which means... where his beard used to be*


  • obviously Altruist is busy doing some heavy thinking*

how the hell did he do it?

This are his stats about 40h ago at week 16, 3014: Starstrike, 108 planets, Pop 5,565,000, NW: 1,206,000

Now look at these newest reports:

Week 7, 3015 = Starstrike, NW: 5,798,798, Pop: 90,967, Planets: 67

Well, some things are quite obvious. He has gone on an all research-strat. His NW is definetly not pop-based but on buildings and military. As a matter of fact he did not only raze almost all his LQs but has even given away about 30 planets.

But - and this is a huge BUT - how was he able to get such a NW in such a short amount of time??? Well, we weren't idle ourselves but...

Even though I fear that it might be that the Glorious Age of the Harkonnens, not known for honey, milk and peace, is coming to an end, we are delighted that we will have the privilege not to die in our bed but are allowed to honourably fight for our place in hell reserved for mighty tyrants!

The Altruist-Starstrike war will begin in week 17 of 3015.

  • the door opens and a beautiful woman named Antigone enters and says:*

"Darling, do you already know what you will wear for the meeting with our friends?"

Altruist: "Ah.. no.. must I wear already again a tie?!"

Antigone: "You surely don't intend to go in that bloodstained uniform, do you!?!"

Altruist: "Ah... yes... ah, I mean no. When is it?"


Ahem, Starstrike, some very important businesses of state I have to attend with unbelievable horrors awaiting me if I wouldn't, allow me not to start the war before week 21, year 3015.

I hope you find that early enough for sending me to hell and we can change the starting time of war towards this new time.

Starstrike, Aug 4th -Braggard? Or being generous ... ? :::

Altruists > Sure, week 21 is fine :)

If any allies of the Harkonnens wish to join, please post here. Anyone else who attacks us will also be considered targets ;-).... unless of course it is in response to a previous attack by us.

Altruists, Aug 4th -War Wanted? :::

Your attitude towards war has changed a lot in the last 30h...

Starstrike, Aug 4th -War? Me? :::

True. Earlier I needed building time. Now that I built... well...

But I did post a day or so ago that I might be willing to take on you and Universal together.... just no one seemed to take me seriously at the time.

Altruists, Aug 4th -The first glimmers of enlightenment? :::

I have certain idea why you got rid of some planets but I still can't grab how you were to grow that much...

I guess you will reveal your strat after the war?

Starstrike, Aug 4th -Newsflash from StarNews: :::

All across Starstrike units prepare for war. The smell of engine grease and droid lubricant pervades the atmosphere. A tense expectancy awaits. Where will Altruists strike first?

Commander Starlover, feared leader of Starstrike's air forces, and winner of the Medallion of Hell for his part in the campaign against Killer, will once again lead Starstrike's air forces to war. This time in defence of his people.

"We do not know what we face" he said. "We may be outnumbered, outclassed, and possibly even outsmarted, but there's one thing they'll never be able to compete against!"

In reply to this reporters question, he said "Why my lucky pet cat Felix of course. No battle has even been lost while he's been around".

Ummm.... a starry-eyed reporter asked the obvious question.

"Well, of course the opening battles against Hells Will don't count. Felix remained asleep through those, so there was no way he could have helped"

On the other side of Starstrike's military power, Artwo Deetwo has once again consented to loan his ally his personal protocal droid C-3PO. Gazing over Starstike's army one sees rows and rows of armed battle droids... and hundred of thousands of logos for Starbubbles, Starstike's favourite breakfast cereal. Sponsors of the massive droid building campaign, they negotiated the placement of cereal ads on all Starstrike droids. "Snap, Crackle and Nova" read the ads, the last thing many enemy soldiers will see in this lifetime.

C-3PO once again remains confident of victory. However, the mass expansion of Starstrike's army has raised many difficulties. Command and control is the main one - C-3PO has to be able to deliver personal orders to each of the droids under his command. His method? Simple. Programmers have programmed each droid to respond to orders in a different galactic language. Now C-3PO can command a different droid simply by sending orders in a different language. "It simplifies matters greatly" he says. "And since I can speak 6 million languages, I can still command every droid individually. Though of course, at the current rate of expansion of Starstrike's military, that won't be true for long".

The only problem with this method became apparent in secret trials, when it was realised that the Chickwolk command for "turn right and march" was linguistically identical to the Ligopollop command for "Stand on your head and dance until the wife comes home". Naturally, this caused quite a stir amongst the majority of droids. It also resulted in some new combat maneuvers, which are currently being tested. "When a droid stand upside-down and dances, it becomes a much tougher target to hit" confesses C-3PO. "We're still exploring the military possibilities for using this tactic in a combat situation".

Victim of a horrible spell from Godfather Galactic, Starstrike's head wizard lies dead this day. His funeral will be held in week 20 of 3015. In a show of respect for this great man, President Starstriker and his gentle wife Starcrusher will attend, with their children Starlover, Starhater, Stargiver and Startaker. Dignitaries from all across Vjun Cluster are expected to attend. "He was like a father to me" cries young Startaker, her body racked with sobs. While Starstruck doctors quickly determined that his death was due to a spell which turned his insides into outsides, it is yet to be determined why all hair seems to have spontaneously dissapeared from his body. "I've never seen anything like it before" Starstruck scientists admit. "I just hope it isn't some new secret weapon owned by the Harkonnens". Other leaders across Vjun Cluster declined to comment.

Altruists, Aug 4th -Preparation ... but for what? :::

There they are...
Hundreds of thousands of battleproven veterans,
the cream of Altruists army,
or as others say: the terror of the galaxy.

But today there is no hurray and laughing,
but firm dangerous silence...

Now Altruist himself is showing up,
wearing his usual bloodstained uniform.
Today he has decided to lead the attack himself.

The moment before he steps into his fighter
he turns slowly around...
eying his troops and his troops looking at him...
he murmurs to himself: "This is a good day to die"...
then, raising his fist high up, like thunder he shouts:

And like one man his troops raise their fists
and shout back: DEATH!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Shocked and shaken the reporter remains alone while the last troops enter the transporters, still wondering whose death they had meant... their enemies' or their own...*

Universal Mob, Aug 4th -The morning after :::

Godfather Galactic gets up and remembers this silly dream with the wizard. "Starstrike declaring war on the Harkonnes? That´s weird!"

He snaps his fingers, which powers up his news wall. "What, Starstrike has 6 Mill NW! There must be a new bug, is there a random factor assigned to NW now?"

The news are already full with reports about the war declaration and Starstrikes sudden NW leap. Godfather Galactic slowly starts to realize the bitter reality. His whole empire and the Harkonnen family are suddenly on the verge of anihilation.

He looks out of the window at his capital city, which is buzzing with life and activity. Everywhere are signs of prosperity and greatness. The pompous skyscrappers, the magnificent monuments, the lush recreation parks, the bright commercial domes, the huge traffic nodes, ...

Should all this, what he fought for his whole life, be turned into ashes?

Godfather Galactic looks into a mirror. His hair has turned gray and his former slim and well-trained body has amassed a considerable amount of fat. Governing this huge empire didn´t leave him much time to excercise and all these empirial dinner receptions with these delicious....

All of a sudden he realizes, that the life he lived the last years was dull and unchallenging. He just isn´t made for a life of superabundance and decadence! He is a fighter, always has been one! He always felt the greatest pleasure after a successful struggle, sometimes a struggle he won against all odds.

And he is going to fight again now! If he should fail and his whole empire would be turned into cosmic dust, who cares! He never feared failure, because for him, having a fight was already the first part of victory.

And should he win,.... but his mind was already occupied thinking about battle strategies and organising the resistance.....

Warrior Federation, Aug 4 -Next! :::

As Starstrike was sitting at this throne a puff of smoke appeared an Emperor Zane stumbled out. Emperor Zane had not been seen outside the capital since his silent war against Beyond Pain. Emperor Zane of the Warrior Federation was in a full military uniform. He coughs a little bit than says; "I don't know why you guys like travelling like that". Starstrike was looking a little confused as why Zane was in his throne room.

"Yes, Anyway I'm am here to announce our involvement in this war. It was put to the masses and we are in favor of aiding our allies the Harkonnens. We will abide by the standard rules of warfare. And we will start our war in 18h, which gives you plenty of time to prepare. That's week 43 of 3015 I believe. I will end this by kicking your cat."

With that Zane took a deep breath, entered the cloud of smoke and disappeared.

Altruists, Aug 4th -The demise of information flow :::

Yet it is a very weird war between Starstrike and me... news reporter puzzled and start drinking...

Starstrike Aug 4th -Starstruck Advisor missing? :::

Yep - when I woke up I seemed to have lost planets without a single report.... but maybe that's because I was too tired to remember how many planets I had when I went to bed. But reports aren't working, so....

Altruists, Aug 4th -The search for the true enemy :::

Have I been already drinking to much or am I right: the more planets I conquer from you, the more planets you have...

Without news it's like fighting in the fog. Curious question: Where from do you get this planets...? ... from me? ... and I even don't notice?

What a war! Millions of droids getting lost in the galaxy... flying to and fro... hey, there to the right: A planet! Whow! Oh no, it's owned by somebody we don't know... Let's move on again...

But here... heck, it's Dorkos' one and those to the left are Lohern planets... when we started they were still owned by Starstrike... no, you are messing everything together, that was yesterday. Don't you read the newest reports from the HQ?

Ha, here in bold letters everybody can see: this planet is owned by Starstrike. Hehehe, not much longer: Get warready! ... Uuups, what's this, we can't fight anybody. Ah, there is a message:

"Something seems to be wrong with the defence fleet. Do a back and try again. Please inform the administrators about this message, either in the public forum or to [email protected]"

Guys, I can't believe it! We crossed half the galaxy to find.... this?
Forget this war! Let's try to find those programmers and ...

Altruists, Aug 5th -The Allies meet up :::

Ah! Warrior Federation! Hadn't detect you earlier in this fog!

I am delighted that your family decided to join the galactic slaughterhouse, grrr... I meant... to join the path of glory and honour and ahem, the huge mountains of booty.

Altruists, Aug 5th -Starstrike ... hibernating, or just plain lazy? :::

The Vjun Cluster seems still to sleep deeply. Which is quite annoying... declaring war on me and then not even getting up.

Well, the good side: Harkonnens conquered 46 planets so far...

Universal Mob, Aug 5th -Interlude? :::

Welcome to the ultimate conflict in this game!

Starstrike, Aug 5th -StarIsle hosts Starstruck advisor :::


Yep I finally noticed... I lost a few planets. But 46!? "Fire that Advisor! No wait, get that balding-ray-gun on him and THEN fire him!"
But finally my partner joins me in this war! It's 3 on 3! Oh wait... you weren't supposed to know about the 3rd... well I guess we can declassify it now. I'll send a million droids to whoever can guess the thirds name correctly....
And meanwhile... back from his unavoidable diplomatic function that lasts for 8 hours a day and pays only 16.5 cash an hour, President Starstriker returns to his throneroom, ready to take the Proverbial Mop to Mob.

Starstrike, Aug 5th -The Fightback! :::

Starstrike's first attack of the war! An undreamt of success? Or a nightmarish disaster?! No, it was a......

Something seems to be wrong with the defence fleet. Do a back and try again. Please inform the administrators about this message, either in the public forum or to [email protected]

Starstrike, Aug 5th -The Morale Shatterer :::

President Starstriker strokes his chin in distress....
Having taken back a dozen planets, Starstrike forces had taken losses! Either spacetime had warped and the old combat calculations had been destroyed... or perhaps the standing on the head and dancing tactic wasn't working so well after all...
100,000 attacking droids, 100 defending droids.... and the attackers lost 10! Repetitively too... it seems that defending troops now inflict 10% (of the defenders size) enemy losses before being annihalated

Starstrike, Aug 5th -The Nuke Poster :::

For the cost of a small empire (738561 cash) 150,000 Starstruck agents attempt to place nukes in Universal Mob's backyard.
President Starstriker, expecting to go happily to sleep with the sound of fireworks in the background, is startled to receive the astounding report: "Your agents failed to place any nukes Sir! 7500 agents died"
Oh well.... at least those posted to Altruists made nice pretty crop circles


Not to mention the deep-fried scientists.

Universal Mob, Aug 5th -The Nuke Detector :::

It seems the agents I ordered came in right on time. :p

Starstrike, Aug 5th -Back from StarIsle :::

My Advisor finally woke up!
"Our planet planet 18 at solarsystem x:18, y:12 in galaxy 1 were attacked Altruists I am pleased to say that we with our forces extraordinary fighting skill were able to fight the attackers of our planet."

Starstrike, Aug 5th -The Emperor has no fighters :::

A quick glimpse of the military successes of the Starstruck Air fleet:

21787 bombers crashed from defending fighters
96122 fighters lost dogfights against the defending fighters
44 transporters didn't manage to hide from the defending fighters
6734 defending fighters were shot down by the attacking air forces

Shortly thereafter:

0 bombers crashed from defending fighters
60579 fighters lost dogfights against the defending fighters
70 transporters didn't manage to hide from the defending fighters
0 defending fighters were shot down by the attacking air forces

Altruists, Aug 5th -The Puzzled Conqueror :::

Hehehe, what planet did you attack???
My news are still not working...
Lately the Harkonnens did some heavy thinking about a fabulous wonder-weapon...;-)

Actually you didn't destroy 51% of my research centers but 51k research center. O yeah, I have to admit, that hurt.
One more thing, Starstrike: You are far behind...
While you are sitting idle and only employ yourself with suiziding your airfleet, I have at least conquered 60 planets of yours.

Yet you have only conquered 12? planets. If you don't speed up this war will last until next year (real).

Land of the Dorkos, Aug 6 -The Next Battler :::

maybe....if it would really be the war of the beta

Off to the front.
Leader of the Land of Dorkos armies, Dorko #52, cousin to leader of the Land of Dorkos, Dorko #69, prepares for battle. As he looks down on his millions soldiers, he proclaims, "Attack, attack, attack, kill Altruists before he departs on us, give him the death in battle he deserves."

Starstrike, Aug 6th -The End ... or nearly? :::

Thousands of terrified soldiers huddle together. Explosions and laser blasts fill the air. Burning transports crash to the ground, while parachute-equipped droids gracefully descend, miraculously avoiding the massed laserfire.
Landing in perfect precision, 100,000 droids remove their parachutes.
Standing on their head, they dance towards the enemy.
Faced with a seemingly endless line of bobbing droids, most of the defenders throw away their weapons and run for their life. Whether they stay or run, all are quickly burnt to cinders by the bobbing droids armies.
Laser emplacements come next, chargrilled like no chef has ever attempted. Then come the civilian buildings... and the screams of civilians fill the air, lost on the cold hearts of the attacking droids masses.
Like a gleaming golden star, See-Threepio walks at the head of his army, shouting orders in a hundred thousand different languages. Yet another planet conquered from a Harkonnen ally, yet another planet added to the Starstruck empire. All in the name of ... science!

Land of the Dorkos, Aug 6 -Article for THE DORKO NEWS :::

Our secret weapon, the balding ray gun has been unleashed on our enemies. It terrifies them so much they go berserk and kill themselves and many others. So far Family 10, Altruists, Universal Mob, and Warrior Federation have all felt the wrath of this terrifying weapon.

Universal Mob, Aug 10th -The Olive Branch :::

A diplomat from the Harkonnens arrives at the capital of Starstrike.

"The war has lasted for a week now, it´s time to end it."

Starstrike, Aug 10th -The End ... for now :::

A hairless President Starstriker reads the offer of peace from the Harkonnens.
A bald cat wanders past two of the bald servants in Starstriker's Palace.
Commander Starlover, bald from head to toe, chases after it, yelling "Felix! Felix, I'm sorry! I didn't mean it".

President Starstriker watches him run past, then turns to his bald attendant. "Fetch me my pen". At last it is time for peace. Starstruck scientists can now devote all their research to hair growth techniques.
President Starstriker signs the peace agreement, then passes the paper to the brave Harkonnen messenger. "Take this back to your leader at once!"
Leaving the palace, the Harkonnen boards her ship, ready to depart. Only in hyperspace, enroute to Godfather Galactic, does she notice her hairless reflection in a mirror...

Meanwhile, in other news, Starstruck citizen are expecting a boom in living standards as their empire steps down from a war footing. With droids being returned to civilian use, it is estimated that within a month citizens of Starstrike will own an average of more than 120 droids each... with their high powered lasers removed, of course.